omikuji

Nipónika is back. She was one of the first characters discovered in this neurotic world. Yes. She appeared for the first time in May of this year. She was not related with the K comitee, not even the lusty Dr. K.
She was a darkie lyric singer, teenager, that was destined to meet in a metal concert in Japan with the fairy, the soldier and the shaman. I think, they never made it. But she did. She would be the perfect fiancée for Sean Lennon. Indeed, they met there. Before that, she whispered a wish in secret tense. As they say, be aware of what you wish... a nightwish can became a nightmare...or a nice dream.
She could be the perfect daughter that Yoko and John never had. But if that, Sean and Niponika would be brother and sister, and love between them would have been impossible in this culture. Even in the East Culture that is a taboo. But of course, it happens, like every taboo you can imagine.
That was a kamikaze journey. She knew perfectly well that although they could not help shinny sparkles and eagerness to be near one another, that was too complicated to work out for good. She knew that although her instinct forces drove her towards him, if she could not put a brake on that, she would be living old painful stories again. She knew that was will suicidal. But, shit happens. Lots of times shit happens when you are aware of it, but you choose to do it anyways. That is weak human meat, human behaviour. So well, they met their intimacy together. It lasted for one day, and the gates of heaven were opened to make that will happen only for that restricted time. A perfect day. And perfect days shall not be repeated. If you try to repeat the rendez vouz of a deja vu, that memory will be spoiled. But human meat is greedy...and well, as you may imagine, they decided to meet the meat again. I don´t know what really happen the second time. She would not tell me a word of that. I think that shit happens with the perspectives of the greedy lusty redish human meat. But maybe angel´s doors were opened also for the second time. I know that Niponika was aware of that. She opened her eyes about Sean for the second time, because time had passed through and she realised of her human nature, and of his human nature. But she kept that in secret, as the wish she asked for in silent words was forgotten. She was not the same female, he was not the same male. Why it should be tragic? Why it felt forbidden? Because the deepest fears, are desires. You shall not fear, you will not desire.

La procesión que va por dentro

Esta es una secuencia de curación en témpera, inconsciente y canson amarillento. Es una parte demostrable del resultado del trabajo que estuve haciendo en este último mes y medio de reclusión autoimpuesta y circunstancial. También es un resultado de un trabajo previamente comenzado, el misterioso proceso, como me gusta llamarlo (imaginen si quieren al bicho de kafka). Tal vez pretendo demasiado si pretendo que los demás comprendan que lo que se ve es poco en relación con lo que esencialmente es, y lo esencial, ya lo decía el principito, es invisible a los ojos. Por ejemplo, cuando me preguntan por mis cosas (trabajo, facultad, salud, pareja, vicios, costumbres, etc.) hay un rotundo silencio de espera y algunas palabras vagas de incertidumbre y ansiedad. La nebulosa que está en Babia. Parece, pero no es. Prefiero desviar la atención con un glup!...y tus cosas...?
Sé que estuve mucho tiempo buscando en el lugar equivocado la aprobación ( y sus derivados/precipitados: autoestima, valoración). No viene de OtrOs OjOs, viene de los prOpiOs. Sin embargo, de alguna manera, sigo buscando algo de ese reconocimiento. Confío en que cuando haya finalizado de martillar el cristal yoico, podré retirarme en paz sin necesitar de (depender de) llamar la atención, o por lo bizarra, o por lo mediocre, o por lo tensa, o por lo problemáticamente-al-cuete-de-la-existencia, o por lo buena-para-nada, o por lo profunda-pero-sin-fundamento, o por lo chasco-chasquido-que enciende-pero-se-apaga-al-toke, o por lo inconstante, o por lo oveja negra, o por lo rarita- incomprensible-incomprendida-pero-sensible-y-de-buen-corazón, niña-buena-de-tan-buena-hasta-tonta, o por lo retorcida-al-pedo-sin-problemas-reales (y podría seguir descifrando fórmulas que percibo devueltas) Pretendo con el tiempo también responder a esas preguntas también con algo más que un silencio de grillo. Entiendo que se darán, cuando ya no espere nada de nada ni de nadie, más que de mi misma. O sea, no perdamos el tiempo de identidad desconocida preguntando qué somos para los otros; (a muchos de los otros les chupa un huevo y un bledo por igual) y no perdamos el tiempo esperando que nos definan ni que nos reconozcan, ni mucho menos que nos conozcan y que nos valoren. Eso no se puede recibir en su justa dimensión si no hay con qué del otro lado del espejo. El espejo se puede romper, pero la luz seguirá reflejando los reflejos que querais ver. Salud!

recomendaciones

ésta, mi contribución castellana de noche de navidad.
No se ahoguen en un vaso de sidra, no es recomendable. Primero, tiene burbujas y te hacen cosquillas. Segundo, es pegajosa, y te hace pegajoso. Tercero, sólo los insectos entran en un vaso, y no hay chiquitolina de libre venta para humanos por el momento. Cuarto, la sidra pasa rápido, pero pega lento. No le peguen a los insectos, no se peguen a ustedes, y no le peguen a la sidra. Tampoco le peguen a otros, ni se apeguen a nadie. Tiren cuetes, vengalitas, luminarias y barriletes. Hagan ruido con estruendo, y ruido de fuego. Hagan lo que quieran, también pueden rezar, pedir deseos, comer mucho y saludar a la gente. No recuerden otras navidades, eso tampoco es recomendable. Ah... Y si se encierran, sean precavidos. No vaya a ser que pierdan la llave del cajón y después no puedan salir.

sense innocence renaissance

(coka´s credits for the beauty of this picture)

there is a mirror
there are the white orchids
there is the library
there are those silent eyes in front of the whole picture
and what they´ve seen through...
there is reality in codes and symbols
and there is what eyes want to see.
I can see beauty, plain beauty.
And it´s simple when people is not arround.
I can see stored knoledge.
I can see human nature and process.
I can see nature processed.
I can see a reflection behind
that completes from other point of viewers
that are anonimous viewers.
I can try to reach that moment in memories...
but memories are like pictures
that are about to die.

I think there is a continuous flirtation with death, but it´s not something to be scared about. It can be dangerous for some minds to think about that, but it´s a concept and it´s a reality we all shall meet. And also, is something that can not be read in plain lines, but in circle cicles. It´s something that allows ends and begginings, that meet at the very same point of existence. It´s something that we see everyday in different situations. It´s something that we learn since we are born. Or maybe is something that takes a life to understand. Someone told me once, that have read once from another someone, that the sooner you accept that fact as a part your life and of life itself, including your very most loved ones (that is the hardest situation to accept), as sooner as you undertand that your life has an end, you start living life with intensity, and leaving worries and fears that prove to be useless, and the most important of all, you start gaining time, instead of loosing your time in worries, fears and insecurities. It´s a paradox, but when you start to understand that fact, you start loving life and get closer to your desires in life. Because since it´s going to end, it´s better to start living. And every detail appears to be a miracle you don´t want to miss. Like you were a child that is always amazed, amused and surprised, that it´s innocence. And it´s good to wake up in life again, what you have put to rest because of the fear and pain before. Sometimes in life you have the chance to reborn again.

reflexions in the mirror window

It´s easy to play victim´s role in the lovers game. Easy but useless. It´s hurts to be rejected. Ego hurts. Rejection takes you where you don´t want to go. But it happens. You can be in one side or the other, it will happen both. At different times you will experience both sides, and at that point you will understand how the other felt in your shoes. Rejection hurts of course, it´s not your choice, and everybody wants to be loved by everybody. But it´s not possible. In some cases it´s a relief. May be you were expecting that to happen but you did not have the courage. In other cases, the deceptions hurts because you did not want that to happen. But which is the point of staying with someone that did not love you back? It will be just a whimp. Sometimes choices are somewhat in a hurry. You did not know how to handle that situation, and you take the easiest choice, that it´s to end it quickly. But it´s not over till it´s over. You could try to hurry things, but if they are not finished, they will come back. Again, and again, till it´s over.
Where am I going? easy to play victim role...in lover game. The victim feels good, I mean, feels like shit, but feels in the good side, the one that is abandoned, not loved, left. The other one, the one that end it, it´s the one that have to play the hardest role. The one that is hated. The one that ends it. So to play this role you have to have the courage to be hated. But in time, time will prove you right. It´s somewhat of a sacrifice. Profets are known and understood after their are dead. Death reach them first, then recognition, when it´s too late, they´re in the grave with worms and everything, maybe in bones, nude. But they are remembered by their actions in life, by they words that are coherent with their actions. I´m not trying to equalize profets to the hardest role to play in lovers game, but it helped the example.
The decition is understood by both parties. They know that although one of them putted into words what did not work out anymore, both recognize it´s the best to be done. In the best of the cases both agreed. Maturity is the key. In many cases they do not agree easily, because ego is hurted. The ego that feels rejected, the ego that does not want to be badly considered. But it´s ego in both cases. Sometimes the way to not end something it´s to keep feelings of anger towards the other. So through anger you keep attached to that person that is not at your side anymore. Anger will become the link between both. Because, love is not anymore a link. It could be anger, but it could be another feeling that drags you in, and does not help you to understand reality as it is in present time. Past feelings. They are old feelings, may be feelings that wake up in that relationship, but you felt it for the first time long ago, maybe after you were born, and you were a child. So old feelings towards present objects, like a loved one in a resent relationship. So when you understand that the people you meet, show you different aspects of yourself, you start taking it slow. And you start to recognize the people that it´s better for you, and the people that makes you feel wrongly about yourself. When you understand what you have to learn, then those relationships change, maybe you keep them near to you, maybe you say goodbye, and prefer to keep memories of those in your heart. But not the real presence. So in the end we are alone. We come to this word alone, and we leave this world alone. We live through life with those memories, that make up the whole picture, your identity. But when you die, your memory will be erased. Or not. Maybe when you feel that you meet someone that it´s feels that you know them from another life, that could be a sign, that some of those memories are not totally erased. But you can not prove that. It´s just a sense of knowing, and intuition. And it´s better to keep it that way, because you have to learn that most of the things in this life do not have a rational explanation, does not have answers, they are mainly questions that you tend to find an accurate answer, according to your experience in this life. Like the way relationships are, for example. There are no answers, you have to make your own and then to forget and forgive in order to leave this world in peace.

to for give and to for get

Tonight she has another phantom´s funeral. She apologizes for that, but she has to burry all of them in order to start new year in white new clothes. You can call it a necessary exorcism. You can judge or you can understand, it will be the same for her. If you do not want to meet the dark side of the moon again, please do not keep reading. It will be dense in past tense.
Yes, she hears them screaming already. They do not want to be forgotten, but she told me she was determined to do it, so I just can make her dreams come true. Although I do not agree, I know she needs it. So I lend this little space to concrete the magic spell. I know that after all the sacrifice ritual, sun will shine again. Don´t be mistaken and mislead, she is a witty witch (not a bitchy one) but a white one. Have you seen that magicians can be dark or white, that´s why they have to work with themselves, and choose which force is going to be primal in their future moves. A good magician, is the one that is aware of his dark side, but chooses to work for the light. They should know the enemy, as they know themselves in order to fight it back when necessary, in order to serve light´s will.
So phantoms are screaming already...and now she is dressing for the ritual. There are the flowers, there is the full moon, there is the red wine, there are the white stones, that is poetry. She chooses her dress, she has no shoes on, she looks like a princess. Her hair is loose and red as fire, she wears a flower in the left ear. She puts on the big yellow stone ring, she sits down into the woods. She starts a fire, she holds a blue glass of red wine. The lake is near the picture. She has already took a bath in that lake. It was cold, cold water. But as part of the ritual, she needs to take that baptism first, to purify feelings, she has to guide them for good reasons. She wants phantoms to rest in peace. She wants phantoms to let her live in peace. She will say good bye with love, and a hand in her chest. The other hand holding the words for poetry. She say it. She burns it. She rests for a while. She zips the taste of red wine. She knows is for good. She knows and she acknowledge that with true feelings of prudence. She calls for the nature forces to help her. Those forces hear and do answer, fire, water, wind, earth, move. She throws the white stones to the grass and they sound and symbol, she smells the sweet flowers. She throws the flowers to the lake. She say again good bye, and good trip. She is guided through all the steps in order to let go... so she lets go, for that some tears, for that a content smile of acceptance. She looks at the white full moon. She remembers some of the words, she knows is for good. May be she will be missunderstood, but she takes that risk. She knows her reasons will be understood in time. And time must pass. Now is time to forget and forgive. Tonight, a house of cards must blow with the wind. Tomorrow it can became a castle. Phantoms are silent, they shall rest.

the story of a darkie romance

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fRwz0RoJcJE

One day she was walking through the afternoon´s park, near the building´s 13 floor...and thought:
"you´re gonna wake up one morning, and you will realise: you´re gonna miss me, baby... sorry? but it´s too late..."
She had never before, thought that thought, that way of despectiveness towards the before so loved. May be overloved, perhaps, she thought, obsession, not true that basic feeling. So she was indeed the first surprised of that evening. Most than a thought it was a feeling, she would like to call it revenge, another basic feeling of an angry female. But the sadic travesti she had in mind, always told her, she was not good enough to be loved as a true woman. So what could she expect? just trash. Only trash envolved in nice words of promises never kept, always broken in the next step of fire burning through his lost eyes. A fire that cannot be called fire, but flood of alcohol, megalomaniac dreams, and grey pot. Yes. He was lost from the very first beggining. That story never could work, as it was constructed in a floating floor of ilussion. He was a wacko, who played a wicked game of destruction. He would enter your psyque and turned all over in order to be served and saved. He needed innocent light of young souls, too young to realise of that wicked game. Too young to know she could retire from that game, even started. Better. She could have decided not to play it, but too late and too structured to her taste, she kept going nowhere thinking nothing but all the damage she had done, and she would suffer for that. That damage was a past relationship, the one that though her of true love, but she was too blind to realise. Too blind, too curious, too whimpsy, too eager to know life and so.
So it was if you may say, karmic. Bed karma. Bad karma. No one understands when she say enfatic, she knew hell. Her own piece of hell. Like a piece of your own revolving shit. It´s a metaphora, hell is a lonesome town of broken hearts. When heart brakes, you rememorize all the broken pieces that remains. All the story you have of broken hearts. And the story starts very soon. May be before you were born. When heart brakes again, all the feelings of desperation, loneliness, and all the dark feelings, basic feelings of the first fall, rise. It´s like a dawn of old feelings. And the person that can make that happen are the person you give the power to. Suddenly, you fell. And you start feeling again. You start feeling what was in silence before. So it´s not that you play a victim role, it´s your own shit that comes from the mirror in front of you. As I sayed, his eyes remind her of what she was. A part of what she was before, the dark force that lays deep in the ocean mind. Now they were lovers, remembering they were ocean souls. But the ocean was the dead sea. And she was his woman. She decided, when she was in pot, wine and extasy, they were meeting before and at that time. She decided that because of that pleasure never felt before in her life, she was going to be his woman until the end of the end. And she gave her soul to him. Her soul, and her bloody nature. Light was gone. Dark had driven her that far. And she lost it. She lost her self in him, deep in his gloomy eyes of nothing. He suddenly, felt so powerful that he thought he was powerful. But he was just a fish. And he exploted in soberbia for that. And he had meet his own darkness too. Now, two hells were dancing luxury. They should not had gone that far. And they knew that was a no returning point of misery. But it felt so damm good, that they decided to meet again, and again, and again. More badkarmabed, more darkness, more lost souls, more damage, more hell for both. But the atraction was so powerfull they were blind lusty lovers, drinking all the poison together, sharing their misery.
The energy runned so high and also so deep, that they became animals. That kind of powerful forces can not be sustained for very long. Or may be in higher spirits, can be transformed in something else, but they were not ready to become angels. They were demons together, they responded to lower forces. That was because it took so long to realised they would be better far away from each other, for the sake of the light that remained in their souls, they should brake. Stop saying and seeing each other. That was one of the most difficult steps she was determined to take. And it was love at the end. The love she had for him, was the love that she decided to preserve for him. She knew she was no good for him, and the most important, that he was no longer good for her. That will be a loving emancipation, a love redemption. They just could be lovers just for one day of their lives, no longer than that. Because they were fallen angels.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i5SUSmedMm8&feature=related