conversing with myself

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0VNx78SAq8M

No. Is not a breakdownnerves episode. Not even an hysteric convertion. Even less, a money convertion (nowadays fictional money is dessilussioning people all arround, in this globalized town) Is the dialectic dialog that I always bring to the table of emotions in this usual journal. I´ve thinking that this type of technology spreaded in the posmodern world, the technology of blogs and a long list of disimilar names, but same concept, can became instruments for people eager for information (companies behind people, even goverment if you want to think paranoic and big) But you know what, I don´t care very much, because in my little neurotic world what lead me to have an space like this is the eagerness of showing something I want to share. At times I think I been exposing my life al cuete. But sometimes, I think this is perfect fiction. You don´t know if I´m lying, or beeing truthful. And I knew that I needed to do something to began to express myself in the world. This is one of the possible ways to do it. I became somehow dependent of other people eyes, ears, thinking. I mean, I was dependent on that first. Recognition, its called. So that´s why I choosed this way, to perpetuate this type of dependance: ego dependence. Then I realised I could write anything, nonsensical things, for me, but for you also. And I started to relax about it.
I understand that art is played first in our intimacy, anonimous existence, for ourselves, only us as primal expectators. I think that´s the first motivation for the artist/creator: to do something with senses, to transform our impressions in something else, like a devolution of sense. It´s something that we cannot stop doing, something like an urge for expression. And something that is absolutely enjoyable for the process itself. Auténtico. I enjoy, for example, writing for the act of writing itself, for the combination of words, signs, sense, images and sounds. The possibility of essay. In the process itself, I try not to judge what happens. Then of course, when something is finished, or had taken some material form, I judge. When I do it for myself I also have the inner pressure of some kind of beauty emanated from the process. But I´m absolutely aware of the experiment, and of the horrible creatures I can engendrar. That does not stop me from trying each time. When I came up with the idea of creating something to be expuesto in this place, I took it like the necessary step for proving myself right. But I understood that you can not be likeable for everyone. This also can bring you the possibility of edition. You can cut anything you feel you need to leave apart, or anything that can be made better than it is. In this, I´m not a perfectionist. I don´t think of myself as a writer, I just take it as I say before, experiment of the process itself, urge for expression, need to do something with what I receive from the experience of being alive in this world. For example, is the same that I do with the painting, collages, sculptures, artcraft. I know the creations are not beautiful, most of the times they are ugly pieces of a child heart, but that´s how started. What I enjoy is the process of mixing colours, textures, shapes, etc. I let them be what they have to be, to surprised me. I can not prepare an image in my mind to make it real, most of the times this proves to be frustrating, an impossible empresa from the very beggining. But I´m completely sure that is the praxis what makes something exist, grow, evolve. It´s like they say: "el hábito hace al monje". If you don´t do it you can not make it better the next time. So it´s better for me to do it, to practice, than to stay still thinking: "I could do it better" or "the other does it better than me and I´m not abble to do anything", but still doing anything, in the same place as yesterday. It´s the pragmatism of the peronismo.
I also think that the sensible way of doing this is being humble. If you do shit but think you do great, you are in big big troubles. You lost it, somewhere, in your imaginary world. And the opposite is the same, if you believed, bought that you are great because you are likable, or your product sells, or people is congratulating you each time, eager to absorb some of your genius, like vampires. A way to probe yourself and your capabilities is share it with others. For these you have to put your narcisismo at rest. In my opinion, showing it must not be the primal motivation. The primal motivation is doing it. If you think you have achieve something interesting you want to share it. And you know that also that is ego dependence. Need for recognition. Ok. We all want to be love and appreciated for what we are, for what we do. That´s why fame is like drugs. A great deep need for love. For that my advice, stay humble. Stay sober. Don´t buy all the shit, the good or the bad. Do it for yourself, for the sake of staying alive in this sick human world system, and for the urge for creation, enyoing the process of being alive and the pleasure of sharing with others.